Therapy for couples in Seattle, WA.
In-person in Seattle & Online throughout Washington
Something is getting in the way of the connection you so badly want with each other.
Maybe you keep having the same fight. It could be about something as small as the dishes. Do you find yourself thinking, “How many times do I have to ask you to put your dishes in the dishwasher before you’ll listen?” Or maybe it’s a text message that never materialized that has you simmering, “You didn’t even ask how my appointment went—it’s like you don’t even care.” Or maybe you’ve been trying to make plans with friends, but it never seems to work out. The frustration is building and you’re wondering: “Why do you have to make such a big deal when I want to do something without you?”
Whatever the cause, the two of you are constantly on edge just waiting for the next trigger to go off—whether it’s that tone of voice that tells you you’ve messed up again, or that look in their eyes that sends you into a panic that you aren’t important to them.
It might seem like you’re never on the same page. Perhaps one of you wants more closeness, while the other wants more space. One of you wants to go out, while the other wants to stay in. Neither of you is feeling heard or understood, like you’re talking past one another instead of really hearing each other’s feelings, needs, and experiences. Part of you wonders if your partner truly wants you or if you’re even lovable enough to make it work. You might be feeling like a failure, like your partner only sees where you fall short, never noticing how much effort you’re making to try to please them.
Perhaps it’s hard to enjoy your time together—and your time apart. Not only do things feel tense when you’re spending time together, but it’s even difficult to relax when you’re by yourself. You’re wondering why your partner is off somewhere else instead of prioritizing time with you, or you’re worried they’ll be upset if you want some alone time. Even challenges at work or with friends are taking more of a toll because it feels like you’re shouldering it all alone. Your wins are less exciting without your partner there to cheer you on.
Your walls are up. Your defenses are activated. You’re both on high alert, waiting for any sign of disconnection or disapproval. You love each other, and you want to make it work, but you feel like you’re running out of solutions.
Couples Therapy can help you explore where you’re getting stuck.
The good news is that whether we are criticizing and lashing out at our partner or shutting down and withdrawing from them, these behaviors often arise from our deep need to feel secure and connected to the person we love.
These are common patterns for couples, and often they are sustained by the automatic things we do to try to protect ourselves when we’re feeling anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, or not enough.
Drawing from my training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) and Gottman Method Couples Therapy, I can help you and your partner work toward understanding the patterns that are keeping you stuck and building new patterns that foster secure connection. While couples therapy unfolds in a unique way for each couple, according to your particular relationship, personalities, context, and needs, my approach typically utilizes the following framework.
Here’s our roadmap…
1
Mapping your cycle
We will spend time getting to know your “cycle,” or the pattern the two of you can get stuck in when you’re feeling hurt, criticized, disrespected, alone, or any other number of negative emotions. We’ll work toward discovering how the cycle is the problem (not you or your partner), and revealing how, in attachment terms, your cycle actually makes sense and is a function of your need for secure connection.
2
Cooling things down
We’ll begin naming the cycle when it comes up in daily moments and trying out new ways the two of you can come together to avoid getting stuck in the spiral. We’ll practice strategies for conflict and communication, while working on exploring and sharing your thoughts and feelings with one another to create new kinds of conversations that help you tune into each other’s emotional experiences.
3
Cultivating connection
As you begin to experience new ways of working through hard moments together, we’ll continue working to deepen your connection. This may include processing old emotional wounds between you. In this phase, we will work to build experiences in which you can turn to your partner, express yourself, and experience your partner as more accessible, responsive, and engaged.
Areas of Focus
My practice welcomes a diverse range of couples, including LGBTQIA+, interracial, and polyamorous couples. Couples who work best with my approach have a longing to be with one another, even as they acknowledge that the current state of their relationship may not be working in some way. They are ready to take an honest and curious look at their current patterns and to invest the energy, effort, and courage required to shift toward fulfilling and sustainable connection.
In couples therapy, we can work on…
→ Conflict & communication issues
→ Attachment styles & patterns
→ Connection & intimacy
→ Life transitions & future plans
→ Wounds from painful times in your relationship
→ Discernment
→ Pre-commitment/premarital exploration
Couples Therapy Goals…
While there are no guarantees in couples therapy, and I cannot promise that you and your partner will reach these goals, here is an idea of what the two of you can work toward in therapy.
Strengthening your connection & intimacy
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Navigating conflict and tough moments as a team
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Understanding each other more deeply
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Making space for humor, joy, and play
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Transforming your relationship into a safe haven & secure base
Couples Therapy Methods
Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT)
EFT is considered the gold standard for empirically validated interventions in couples therapy. Drawing from the science of attachment, EFT is all about identifying and shifting the patterns that perpetuate conflict, emotional distance, and insecurity. With EFT, we can work towards helping you and your partner access and share deep emotions to foster a close and lasting bond.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Based on over 40 years of intensive research on what makes relationships last, Gottman Method offers concrete tools to help you and your partner work to move away from criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawing and toward productive communication, enhanced appreciation and friendship, and intimate connection.